I’ve been reflecting on a simple conversational intervention I often suggest to people who find themselves stuck in unproductive or frustrating conflicts, especially with loved ones. It’s a practice I stumbled upon years ago, though I can’t recall the exact moment it came to me. One day, I decided to challenge myself:
Rewrite something I was saying without the word ‘should.’
What happened next was unexpectedly transformative. Here’s what I discovered through this practice and why I encourage others to try it.
Disrupting the Loop
When I removed the word ‘should’ from my language, it immediately broke whatever loop I was in. Whether it was self-judgment, self-doubt, blame, or frustration with others, the habitual cycle stopped. It was like pressing pause on autopilot and raising my awareness to a higher level.
This disruption created something I’ve written about before: a moment of reflection.
The Challenge of Breaking Habits
At first, rewriting without ‘should’ felt awkward. For many of us, ‘should’ is so ingrained in our thinking and speech that we don’t even notice it. Eliminating it forces a pause.
I’ve experimented with this in team development settings, challenging myself and colleagues to go a day or even a week without using the word. What we found was eye-opening: ‘Should’ is an overly simplistic shortcut. Removing it forces us to slow down and consider what we truly mean.
Raising Awareness and Consciousness
As people rewrite their thoughts without ‘should,’ something profound happens. It naturally raises their level of awareness, shifting them into curiosity and systems thinking.
For example, a friend of mine had a breakthrough during this exercise. Instead of writing, “That person should do something different,” they paused and rewrote their thought. In doing so, they uncovered a deeper question: Why do I agree to do things I don’t want to do in the moment?
This moment of insight led them to tears — not from sadness, but from a sense of release and clarity. It helped them take a meaningful step forward in their personal growth.
Try It Yourself: Opening Curiosity and Deeper Understanding
I’ve seen this practice work wonders for myself and others. It consistently fosters curiosity and opens the door to deeper understanding.
I encourage you to try this experiment for an hour or a day. Remove ‘should’ from your vocabulary, and notice what shifts. How does it affect your thinking, your communication, or even your emotional state?
If you try it, I’d love to hear what you experience. Share your thoughts and insights in the comments below.
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